Insomnia, it's the new thing for me. Even with working out 7 days a week, I find it difficult to fall asleep at night. Waking up is even harder. And when I do fall into a good, deep sleep, I have these dreams that are insane and wacky and exhausting. Ugh. So since I am currently not sleeping, I thought I would do what I enjoy doing, write.
The first word that comes to my head is CHOICES. I am aware that I have posted a lot about choices on social media. But that word is so powerful, and has so many meanings. We make so many choices every single day. We don't even realize the choices we make. How many times do you ask yourself if the choice you are about to make will affect you in a negative or positive way? If you did, do you still think you would make the same choice?
I have to make a lot of choices, in work, in parenting, in relationships. A few weeks ago, while I was traveling for work, I was eating alone, like I always do. I noticed an older gentleman across the aisle from me that kept looking over at my table. The kind of look that makes you uncomfortable because you have clearly made eye contact with the person several times and you wonder why they are staring at you, do you have sauce on your shirt? Anyway, he finally spoke to me. He asked me if I was eating all alone.(He was also alone). I told him I was, and he said, I know this sounds crazy, but would you like to join me for dinner? At first thought, I was like, noooo way, this creep is trying to pick me up and that is NOT happening, But then I paused for a minute....my brain said, JUST DO IT AMBER. You are in a busy public place and you just have to eat dinner with him. In five seconds I accepted his offer and had already planned my escape if he shoved me in a trunk after I left.
So I go to his table and he tells me that he travels all of the time and notices that a lot of people dine alone, and he has started asking strangers to join him. I was number 5 to accept. Turns out, Todd from Detroit was a great guy, had grandchildren, recently celebrated 35 yrs of marriage. He works for the automotive industry and is always on the road. My dinner with strange man Todd was very nice. I was hesitant to tell him too much about my life because I have watched Criminal Minds enough to know that pretty girls who meet with strange men don't go home alive. I survived dinner, and left before he did, never to hear from him again. that was a huge step out of my comfort zone, and you know what, It liberated me. I felt a human connection to the world, we are not all serial killers. I have become so jaded on the road that I hardly make eye contact with anyone. Todd taught me to take a chance. Be bold, be brave. Thanks Todd from Detroit.
Speaking of brave, I have had to be very brave recently. Some choices that I, and others in my life have made, have not worked out the way I had hoped. I could have sucked it up and become that girl , but I decided to get uncomfortable and be brave. I decided to let the world know that I am worth something. Sometimes you may make a choice that you don't realize at the time will come to haunt you. And when people you care about keep making the SAME BAD CHOICE over and over and over and over again, sometimes, you have got to be the one who makes a choice. So I gave myself a new name of BABBB. Bad Ass Brave Blond Bitch. That's me, just swimming along.
Now to the hoarding issue. I was watching that show during an insomniac night and decided that I am a hoarder of memories. Good and bad. I have hoarded memories all of my life. I keep them piled up in my head , like the cat lady who saves every can of cat food she ever fed Fluffy. Like the woman who won't throw away her 20 year collection of canned vegetables because what if there is a national crisis and we need them??? My memories are canned vegetables. I go over them again and again, and instead of enjoying them, and letting them go so I can make room for more, I just toss them in a room and let them pile up until there isn't any room left and then my brain is consumed by all of these emotions of good and bad memories and then I get anxious and I don't understand why I cant breathe.
Do you hoard memories? Or do you embrace the memory, enjoy what it gave you, and move on from it? I mean, we all go to our memory bank and pull out the stuff we want to keep. but not all of those things are healthy. I have memories of names that I have been called in my life that I think about every single day, yet I have somehow allowed my memory to nearly forget some of the most beautiful moments in my life. UGH!! I want the good stuff!! So I have decided that I am going to unload all the crap memories into a dumpster and haul it off. I guess my point is, let the bad memories teach you a lesson, take from it what you need, and then throw it away!! And the good? Put those up on a shelf, embrace the beauty it gave you, and don't forget to update your shelf from time to time with more good stuff. Don't just hoard it all so that it becomes a mumbled jumbled mess of paper and trash and clothes and cat poop.
Choices.....we all make them. Mistakes are different, after we make a mistake, if we do it again, it is now a choice. The choice, is yours......go ahead, eat dinner with a stranger!
