Shut It, Martha!

Ok, I will admit it, for quit sometime I wanted to be a “Martha” of a woman. I loved the idea of having place settings for my dinner guests, and planning a meal complete with coordinating dinnerware and napkins. Even wearing a dress to go with the theme.  I can remember hosting my first official Thanksgiving dinner. Yep, I made place cards, only no one in my family is good at RSVP’ing, so I just made one for everybody. I cleared out my living room to make extra dining room for the guests. I hand-picked the tablecloths, the centerpieces, and even the serving dishes. It was going to be PERFECT! Well, I can tell you this much…….nobody sat where I put their place card. Everyone congregated in our tiny kitchen because, well, that is where all of the food was. Although my centerpieces were quite impressive, they were quickly removed to make room for all of the “Big Swig” fountain drinks that my guests brought because they knew there would be no soda at this event. At first, I was disappointed, but then I realized that it was a great time, and a wonderful meal, even if the person in charge of bringing the noodles was nearly an hour late and then when she did show up, she asked me if I had some broth to cook the noodles in….are you kidding me????Regardless of the look of the table, the al dente’ness of the noodles, it was a great time. However, it did not stop me from putting on some pretty spectacular parties over the past 10 years. I just learned to do it my way, not Martha’s.

 I mean, has anyone ever listened to some of Martha’s advice and tips on running a home and preparing meals? I guess I should have seen it coming, The lady does raise her own chickens and grows almost every plant known to human kind. Not to mention she has a staff of hundreds of people to help her out. I have a staff of one. Me.

I listen to Martha on XM because I drive so much for work that I get really bored. So I hear her giving advice to these poor, desperate women, just trying to make it in this woman eat woman world. One lady called in (mind you she did mention she lived in RURAL Kentucky) and asked Miss Martha to suggest some places she could buy decorations for her house that were affordable yet tasteful. In my mind, I was thinking, ok….TJ Maxx aka Homegoods, Gordmans, Marshalls, Target (which in my house is considered high end) even Big Lots has cool stuff for cheap!!! You know what Martha said? Crate and Barrel, Williams Sonoma,   Z Gallarie, and OF COURSE she plugged Macy’s, since that is where all of her stuff is sold. I thought, come on lady!!!  This poor girl is from the hills of Kentucky, she doesn’t know what Z Gallarie is!  And she wants affordable! Here again, don’t go asking a gazillionare for advice on cheap goods. Lesson learned.

Then there are decorating tips. One lady asked for some cool Easter ideas. Martha had a cool response. Blow out real eggs and decorate them. That’s right, poke a tiny hole in an egg, then blow the goop out, and decorate the egg and group them together as a table scape, and to make it even more festive, she suggested buying the little egg holder things, I don’t remember what they are called, but I bet you can get them at Macy’s. I barely have time hide Easter eggs Martha, and now you want me to blow the yolk out of a perfectly good egg??? No thanks. In my house we hard boil them, color them, hide them, and then enjoy egg salad or whatever. Then she added that a nice touch is to have real bunnies in the yard for the kids to chase. Who is taking these critters home after the egg hunt Martha? You can have your trusty helpers take them back to the bunny barn when you are done, what do the rest of us do? Party favors?
OR here is a good one, “Hi Martha, I am hosting a pool party for my daughters 5^th birthday. I was wondering what ideas you can give me on decorations and party favors”? Martha had the idea of giving everyone a personalized beach towel and a pair of flips flops. In theory, this is actually a pretty good idea. However, many of us can’t afford or even plan ahead enough to have guests names embroidered on their towels. Without having your own embroidery machine, this one was a fail in my book. And flip flops? How do you know what size everyone wears? And what if someone RSVP’s but doesn’t show up, and someone who didn’t RSVP decides to show up, and then little Bobby has to take home little Suzie’s towel and size 3 flip flops??? I say it’s a flipping pool party, let them swim and have fun, then send them home with a $1 beach ball from the dollar store that everyone can sign or draw cool stuff on. One size fits all.

 Now don’t get me wrong here, that woman is a genius. You don’t get her status by cooking Hamburger Helper and hanging blankets for curtains on your windows. My problem with most of her advice is that it is not practical. And honestly, if I am planning a huge event, and have months ahead to work on things, I will take her cute crafty ideas and run with them. Most of the time, I am throwing something together, and don’t have time to grow the vegetables that go into my soup.

I have a pumpkin cheesecake recipe that is to die for. It is a Martha original. It costs about $40 to buy all of the stuff that goes in it, and it takes over 12 hours to make from start to cooling process. So I make it once a year. Most of her recipes have so many steps in them that if I start one on Sunday after church, we are lucky to enjoy it on Tuesday.

Ladies, we don’t have to be Martha Stewart. Even her gardening advice is whack. Grow everything from seed? Not on my planet, that is what my local garden center is for. And I don’t want to hand prune and fertilize all the time. I buy the dirt with miracle grow in it, and cut everything back in spring and fall. Voila….

 Stop trying to be perfect, and just be fun. Do what works for you, your wallet and patience level. Don’t pull your hair out doing stuff that nobody will even notice. Instead, make things simple, and enjoy the company you are with. This was very hard for me, I used to have plates that matched the decorations, and I am not talking about paper plates. But practical is sexy, and smart. I have a great collection of Chinette now, and plastic silverware comes in every color of the rainbow. That is right, Martha doesn’t believe in paper or plastic dinnerware.

 Here is a rundown of some real advice for us gals and guys (I am not leaving you boys out) in the real world:

*It is ok to buy refrigerated pie crust. God will not judge you, Martha will, but she isn’t going to be checking ID’s at the pearly gates.

*Even more ok to use Cool Whip and not beat some whipping cream to the perfect consistency . The jury is still out  on canned whipped cream.                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

*Kids art projects make for beautiful home furnishings, my favorite wall hanging is a rainbow my youngest painted, bought a $5 frame and BOOM.

*Don’t like your furniture anymore? Get some spray paint and new fabric. Call it re- purposed, shabby chic, whatever you want, just don’t call Martha.

*It IS ok to Facebook invite people to events. You don’t have to make your own paper, and buy paper cutters in cute little shapes to glue on handwritten invitations, UNLESS you WANT to. Your RSVP odds are still the same. But a Thank You card is NEVER out of style.

*Although not my first choice, precooked chicken breast is ok to serve your family. If I have to get to a ballgame in 30 minutes, I would rather serve that than run through a drive thru, who knows what is in that chicken.

*Don’t like to iron? Neither do I. May I suggest investing in Downy wrinkle release….take that Martha!

I could, and should write a book on my handy dandy ideas for living a good life without a Martha complex. Who am I kidding, I can’t even find time to write a check for rent. Maybe someday.

 If you made it this far in the blog, I feel like you should get a prize. How about a signed copy of my book when it is published, appropriately titled…..

SHUT IT, MARTHA!!!

 

Thanks for reading,

Amber

 

 

 

 

Let it be....

So, I was going to blog about "soul suckers".  But the past week of my life has really changed the way I look at things, everything to be exact. Life is so.....unexpected, and absolutely un-measurable.
Why do we try so hard to force things? To be in control? Life is going to do what life wants to do, and while we do project our wants to the universe, it doesn't mean bad things won't happen. But it does mean we have to learn to let life bring those things to us, knowing that they happen for us to continue on our path in this universe.

I am a control freak, there I said it. I want to control where my dogs relieves himself in my yard, it is that bad. And I will say, I have learned to "let it be" quite a bit over the past few years. It really helps.
But you know what is so hard to just let "be"? Watching someone hurt. Someone you care about just hurt so much and you cannot do any single thing for them, except just be there with them. And even then, you want to reach into their heart and take all the pain away....but you can't. It stinks.

We go along day to day, doing our thing. Work, family, social life, paying those bills we are so grateful to have. It all becomes our routine. One minute you are sitting around the patio table laughing with a loved one about bananas and panty house, then the next you are holding them in a puddle of tears as they mourn over terrible news. Terrible news...the worse kind....death. In a split second you go from not having a care in the world, to feeling like the world is crashing down on you. The pit you feel in your stomach makes you wanna throw up all of the cake and ice cream you just enjoyed. You become dizzy, numb, thinking, is this really happening??? Oh, it is happening alright, and there is nothing you can do about it. I have never been the best at nurturing someone, mostly because I never cared enough about myself to show care for others, but luckily I learned how to fix all of that, and I discovered that I am pretty darn good at comforting. It called selflessness. I think that is how you spell it anyway. I wasn't always that way, but thank God for blessing me with the tools I needed on my path. You see, the pain that I once suffered taught me to make changes to my life, so I can in turn be good for someone else. And I put those tools to work last week. Remember that people, pain is a teacher, and someday you will help others from your pain lessons!!

Do me a favor....don't tell someone who just lost a loved one that everything happens for a reason, or that they are in a better place. Tell them this effing sucks!!! And time heals nothing...time only creates a callous over our wound so it isn't so tender. So if you are faced with comforting someone who just lost a loved one....tell them this  "This is the worst feeling you will ever have to feel, so enjoy the good feelings when they come, and take them in, because they won't last forever. It sucks that you lost___________, and I hope you surround yourself with a good support system, or lots of alcohol to get you through this". That is what grieving people need to hear. Not the other stuff.
Because, even though we all know everything that happens to us in our lives, does have a meaning....we don't need reminded of that at a time of death. We will figure that out down the road.

I guess what I am trying to say is this....don't force life to roll with you. Learn to roll with life. Let life make your choices for you. Let life open and close doors for you. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, because what will happen, WILL happen, whether you like it or not. And like it or not, sometimes when we go through pain, it is because life is making plans for us. We don't have to understand it, we just have to allow it...don't fight it, and don't ever become a prisoner to pain. Embrace your pain, whether it is death, divorce, losing a job, sickness, etc... EMBRACE it for what it is, and I promise you it will make sense in other aspects of your life.

I recently got a tattoo on my foot that says "let it be". That has always been hard for me. Every now and then I look at it and it reminds me that if I can just do that, then I will be just fine.

Now, hear me universe......I am ready for you to open those doors wide open and make some awesome choices for me in my life. I can feel it, it is soooo close!!!

Thanks for reading,
Amber