So, who blogs about their vacation while they're still on vacation? ME. I have spent the week in Gulf Shores AL with my kids and my new son in law-ish, and my 14 yr olds bestie. OH. AND MY GRANDBABY!! It has by all accounts been a perfect vacation. Everyone has gotten along very well, and we have all done fun things, enjoyed the beach, and some amazing food.
Someone very dear to me taught me to write things down as I think of them, so I can go back and use it later when I want to write. I didn't do any of that, but the idea of it is really good. She also taught me that you can understand a lot about yourself if you just take in the moment you are in and not worry about what is to come. I taught her stuff too but that is not the point here....
I used to micro manage and dictate every second of vacation for my family. It was exhausting. But we got shit done. And had 10,000 pictures to prove it. Now, I don't do that. I let it be, as the tattoo on my foot suggests. Sure we had a few things planned to do while we are here, and we did them all. But I took the need to control out of it. We just did what we wanted and appreciated the moment that we were in while we were in it and didn't think about missing anything. It was great.
I spent a lot of time on the beach. If you know me, you know that is my happy place. And I am not just saying that because I can sit in a bathing suit all day and drink beer and no one judges me. The beach truly connects me to the deepest part of my soul. I can sit and watch the waves crash down on the sand all day long. And I did. I thought about so many things, were I was a year ago. Five years ago. 10 years ago. My mind has changed so much in 10 years. I wasn't able to ever be "in the now".
This week, I have been in the now. I have listened to music that I love, that takes me to a time that makes me happy, not sad. I have looked into my granddaughters eyes and saw my legacy. I have laughed with my kids, and even watched my daughters best friend try to pee on her after she got stung by a jellyfish. Talk about entertaining. I heard my son in law say he needs to work on his"cuisine" when he meant to say physique. And I have watched my oldest daughter be a super good mommy.
As I watched the dolphins swim in the mornings, I first thought, what an easy life, to swim all day and play and know the humans think you are great. Then I thought, wait a minute.....dolphins have problems, too. On our Dolphin cruise we were told that they get scaly and have no way to bath themselves and that is why they like playing in the wake that boats leave, because it is like a shower for them. They get sick, they are hunted by other sea creatures, and for petes sakes they don't know the genius of Nicki Minaj or Ellie Goulding doing dirty rap cover songs!!! Really though, how easy is it for all of us to look at other people and think they have it so much better than you? I call bullshit. Everyone has crap. Maybe its money crap, maybe its health crap, or job crap, or family crap, self esteem crap, mental crap, grieving crap, crap gumbo, fried crap, boiled crap.....WAIT, I just went all Forrest Gump on you, sorry. Point is, crap is crap. When you find yourself in your crap, don't envy someone else, they have crap too. Its all just a bunch of crap.
Now, back to the Ocean. Today I was laying in my little beach hammock thingy, watching the waves come to shore. I thought about all of my crap. And I decided that most of my crap is just stuff I created , imagined, or falsely believed was crap. So I decided to write all of the things that I am dealing with, that I don't want to deal with anymore, in the sand. All of my fears, problems and hurts, I wrote them in the sand and then watched the waves wash over them and then they were gone. A clean slate. I can say I literally felt them leave my mind and body when the waves took them to sea. I cried. Some of those things I wrote in the sand, I have been holding onto for awhile hoping they would get better or find a solution. Crying was good, because it meant I was in the now and I was feeling the pain of letting things go that I needed to. Not all things we let go are bad things. Sometimes you just come to a point in your life when you realize you are a sum total of all of your choices. Sometimes, your crap is you. Sometimes, you are the reason you are hurting. Self Sabotage, that was one I wrote in the sand. I am not doing that anymore. When good things come to me, I am going to accept them because I deserve them. Not push them away in fear. The Gulf Shores AL coastline now has a lot more crap in it, because I wrote a lot of things in that sand today. So when I journey home tomorrow, that is right where it will stay.
There is a new normal for me. My family dynamics have changed, my social circle has changed, and my quality of life has changed. Parts of that are sad, parts of it are amazing. But when you put them all together, its pretty damn perfect. I have new goals, new plans, and new hopes for MY future. Not my children's, MINE. But it has to start with me...and protecting my little tribe from poison and evil.
So I will do that , and look forward to everyday I get with it.
Now, if you don't mind, I have a new tattoo to get!!!
Thanks for reading
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