The Waiting Room

It is 9:45am. You've been sitting in that chair since 9:00 am. You even showed up 15 minutes early. You made sure to shave extra well this morning, brushed your teeth just a little longer. You even dolled up your eyes with a little eyeliner and lash extending mascara. It's 10am. You are still sitting in that chair. You've watched Hoda and Kathy Lee. You've listened to the 4 year old ask his mommy every question under the moon. You have to pee, but you can't. You have to wait. You are in the waiting room. And even when the nurse does call your name, it will only be to ask you a few questions, judge you about the number on the scale, tell you to take your clothes off, and then leave you in there, waiting. You are in the waiting room. It sucks. You know that eventually , the doctor will show up. He will give you his time, and answer your questions. You will feel comforted that the news isn't that bad. Or maybe you will breakdown because it is worse than you can imagine. At the end of the day though, you saw the doctor. You had to wait for him, but you got what you showed up for.

Such is life. It is much like a waiting room. Sometimes things don't just happen with the snap of the finger. Sometimes, you have to shave extra well, brush your teeth a little longer, and make sure your socks are super white. It is part of the process. In order to get to the end point, you have to sit in the waiting room, and in order to get to the waiting room, you have to get yourself together. You wouldn't show up in your pajamas (well, maybe some of us would, but humor me here).

I have been in a lot of waiting rooms lately. Getting older is exhausting, and expensive. I recently sat in one and realized that I am in a different kind of waiting room. I am waiting for someone. Let me repeat that, I am WAITING for someone, not LOOKING for someone. I am not talking about a doctor. I have lots of those and they are great. I have spent the last several months of my life "getting myself ready for the appointment" so to speak. Getting my shit together. Life disappointed me ONCE again. But I chose it, so I lived with it.  So I took some extra care of myself. Maybe I got a lot of massages. I began a fitness routine that is kicking my ass into shape. I saw a therapist, GAAAAA. I went to the beach and sat in a chair for days on end and refreshed my mind. I got ready for life. Because I don't show up for anything in my pajamas. So here I am, all cleaned up, all shiny and fresh and clean teeth and hair. .....even some clinical strength deodorant. I am in the waiting room.

I know that eventually, "that someone" will open the door and call my name. I know that pacing around and glaring at the nurses will not make that door open any sooner. I might as well take my newly toned rear end to a seat and enjoy the wait. I am not going to stress about how long I will have to wait. I am just going to keep myself busy and entertained until that door opens. Because good things come to those who wait, right?

So if you find yourself in the waiting room, don't be the obnoxious one who irritates everyone else in the waiting room. Sit down and read a magazine and wait for the door to open. Don't be an ass.

One more thing, since I am in the waiting room waiting on "you". I am going to fill out the information sheet so you know what to expect when you call my name. Here it goes:

I am insane. In the best way. I have a history of heart problems, so be easy on mine. I drink a lot of coffee and beer. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs, but I feel compelled to invest in the marijuana stocks because it is the new S&P. I don't like to get up early, but I love coffee at sunrise. I am moody. I am overly giving sometimes, which causes me more heart problems. I cry a lot. Happy and sad tears. Those animal abuse commercials will send me into a solid 2 hour depression. I like to help people, please don't tell me that is dumb and a waste of time, or I will probably not like you. I like to do new things, and I am always on the go. That's how I like it. I will give you the shirt off of my back as long as you don't stab me in mine. I DO NOT like heavy metal music, but I like everything else. I think I have a good sense of humor, and you should, too. I am a big dork, really. I giggle anytime I hear words that sound dirty even though they are not. I like Flamingos, a lot. But most importantly what you need to know about me, is that I have seen a lot of pain, and a lot of joy. They have made me who I am, sitting in this room, waiting so patiently for you, whatever your name is. I hope you have dark hair though. Oh, and I hope you like to travel. That should just about do it.......

This is a picture that one of my friends recently posted on facebook. When I saw it, I knew it should belong to me.Why? Because it is ok to be okay! Why do Mothers beat themselves up so much about motherhood? Well, there are a lot of answers to that question. Lets start with society. It picks at us, pulls us apart, measures our worth by how well we can make a peanut butter sandwich look like the latest Disney character so our kids will eat it. Society screams at us to not feed them gluten, or dairy, or anything with chemicals in it. Yet, society pushes us to run through the drive through to feed them chemically processed food because we are so busy running them to dance, cheer, softball, girl scouts, church camp, and my personal fave, manners club. So what is a mamma to do?? Here is the first step...stop trying to be the best mom in the world. That is a title that is incapable of ever being filled ladies.

Here is what you need to do..LOWER your expectations. Strive to be OKAY. Quit letting those other moms who are living with the idea that to be perfect means to have it all together all of the time, run you down. SO WHAT if your kiddos don't have the bento lunch box that require you to carve all of their food into little animals and shapes and still have time to put your clean underwear on in the mornings. STOP!! I am just going to keep going on and on with ways to stop being perfect and start being okay. Here is why.....because when you let go of trying to give your kid the world and being the BEST PARENT EVER, something magical happens.....you form a better relationship with your kid, and you actually get to know them for who they are, not who you wish they were.

Ok all you momarazzi, I am talking to you. It is ok to take pictures of our kids. However, when you miss out on the event you are there to enjoy watching, because you've taken 439 photos of every move your bambino made in the school play, here is what happens: you do not watch the whole experience. You do not pay attention because you have a camera up your eyeballs. Also, it is distracting to the OKAY parents that came there to watch the play, not film a documentary on it. Now I cant see my kid who has a 3 second speaking part in the whole thing, because you are walking around snapping pictures like you work for TMZ or something, STOP!! Just sit your mom jeans down in a chair and WATCH the entire show, and enjoy the moment you are in now, and take a cute photo after the play with little Suzie and her cast members.

Harvard moms, you're up. Don't get me wrong, getting good grades are important and crucial to succeeding down the road. Don't do your kids homework for them. My kids are so lucky, I don't understand math or science past 3rd grade level, so not only am I not able to do it for them, I cant even help them. I honestly have written many letters to teachers telling them to please not punish my kids because they needed help and I could not help them because I am not smart enough to remember an obtuse triangle. Set a time for homework, make them do it, and let the teachers grade it. and if they are doing homework at 11pm at night, you may want to consider cutting some of the extra curricular activities out. I am guilty of this one! You have their life so jam packed full of stuff that they cant do homework. Treat education like a sport. Make time for it, practice, and make it a priority so when the big day comes, the report card reflects the work. But do not shame your child for struggling. I have a kid who if she maintained a C average, I was ecstatic!! That was just her level of learning, and caring. I accepted her for that and never shamed her as long as she TRIED. My other one, she is all A's, and I do expect a little more from her because her abilities are different than her sister. As long as she tries, it is an A in moms grade book.

I am an okay mom. I am perfectly ok with that. I don't always get my kids to school on time. Or the doctors office. I forgot to get a physical before school started this year. I forget to load money on my kiddos lunch account and they come home starving because they didn't eat lunch. Yes, I have given my kids tylenol a time or two when they were young to help them sleep. I forgot to order a yearbook one year. I am not the dugout mom who keeps the scorebook and wears the color coordinated hair bows, but you bet your ass I am there, watching, cheering. I don't know my kids grades right now if you asked me....I figure if they get bad, the teacher will call me, and she wont be able to play sports. My kids are not perfect, and sometimes they will do things that are not right. But do me a favor, come to me first, instead of running your mouth all over town about it to others. I will set them straight for things they do wrong. I don't make homemade pie crust. I don't fold my kids laundry, I put it in a basket and deliver it to their room. I don't own an iron. I forget to feed my dog sometimes when I am in a hurry. The baby books I created when they were babies have not been touched since age 3. I don't like being a chaperone on the bus or field trips....I am not good at looking after my own, why would you want me looking after yours?? my kids see me fail. My kids see me cry. They sometimes have to remind me of things we have to do. I don't like buying them things with their names sewn on them. I am horrible at pushing them to sell pto stuff, so I buy it all. I am not perfect, and I do not want to be. I have been at school functions and could literally feel the other moms judging me for the way I raise my kids and live my life. It is funny how the ones to judge are often the ones with the most skeletons in their closets. Sometimes my dishes pile up because I wont do them, and neither will they. So it becomes a stand off until there are no clean dished in the house.
Sometimes, I cant make it to my kids stuff. Sometimes, I just don't want to go, but I do. I am the worlds most okayest mom. And I am proud to hold that title.

Here is what happens when you are okay. You enjoy the moment you are in. You may not have a picture of every stinking thing they did, but you have the experience of enjoying your kids in that. I will never forget pop flys caught by my girls, or a base stolen, even though I didn't take a pic of it. There are some things in life to just enjoy, experience. I have some of the best conversations with my kids in the car, or at the Mexican restaurant because I was too tired to cook for them.  I am okay. And you can be okay to. Lets start a new movement......stop giving our kids the world, and start being in their world. put your expectations in your new Coach purse, and start paying attention to what is really important.

Now, I am going to go wake my kiddo up and start this day!!!

It's a beach blog, kind of like a beach ball but not really.

So, who blogs about their vacation while they're still on vacation? ME. I have spent the week in Gulf Shores AL with my kids and my new son in law-ish, and my 14 yr olds bestie. OH. AND MY GRANDBABY!!  It has by all accounts been a perfect vacation. Everyone has gotten along very well, and we have all done fun things, enjoyed the beach, and some amazing food.

Someone very dear to me taught me to write things down as I think of them, so I can go back and use it later when I want to write. I didn't do any of that, but the idea of it is really good. She also taught me that you can understand a lot about yourself if you just take in the moment you are in and not worry about what is to come. I taught her stuff too but that is not the point here....

I used to micro manage and dictate every second of vacation for my family. It was exhausting. But we got shit done. And had 10,000 pictures to prove it. Now, I don't do that. I let it be, as the tattoo on my foot suggests. Sure we had a few things planned to do while we are here, and we did them all. But I took the need to control out of it. We just did what we wanted and appreciated the moment that we were in while we were in it and didn't think about missing anything. It was great.

 I spent a lot of time on the beach. If you know me, you know that is my happy place. And I am not just saying that because I can sit in a bathing suit all day and drink beer and no one judges me. The beach truly connects me to the deepest part of my soul. I can sit and watch the waves crash down on the sand all day long. And I did. I thought about so many things, were I was a year ago. Five years ago. 10 years ago. My mind has changed so much in 10 years. I wasn't able to ever be "in the now".
This week, I have been in the now. I have listened to music that I love, that takes me to a time that makes me happy, not sad. I have looked into my granddaughters eyes and saw my legacy. I have laughed with my kids, and even watched my daughters best friend try to pee on her after she got stung by a jellyfish. Talk about entertaining. I heard my son in law say he needs to work on his"cuisine" when he meant to say physique. And I have watched my oldest daughter be a super good mommy.

As I watched the dolphins swim in the mornings, I first thought, what an easy life, to swim all day and play and know the humans think you are great. Then I thought, wait a minute.....dolphins have problems, too. On our Dolphin cruise we were told that they get scaly and have no way to bath themselves and that is why they like playing in the wake that boats leave, because it is like a shower for them. They get sick, they are hunted by other sea creatures, and for petes sakes they don't know the genius of Nicki Minaj or Ellie Goulding doing dirty rap cover songs!!! Really though, how easy is it for all of us to look at other people and think they have it so much better than you? I call bullshit. Everyone has crap. Maybe its money crap, maybe its health crap, or job crap, or family crap, self esteem crap, mental crap, grieving crap, crap gumbo, fried crap, boiled crap.....WAIT, I just went all Forrest Gump on you, sorry. Point is, crap is crap. When you find yourself in your crap, don't envy someone else, they have crap too. Its all just a bunch of crap.

Now, back to the Ocean. Today I was laying in my little beach hammock thingy, watching the waves come to shore. I thought about all of my crap. And I decided that most of my crap is just stuff I created , imagined, or falsely believed was crap. So I decided to write all of the things that I am dealing with, that I don't want to deal with anymore, in the sand. All of my fears, problems and hurts, I wrote them in the sand and then watched the waves wash over them and then they were gone. A clean slate. I can say I literally felt them leave my mind and body when the waves took them to sea. I cried. Some of those things I wrote in the sand, I have been holding onto for awhile hoping they would get better or find a solution. Crying was good, because it meant I was in the now and I was feeling the pain of letting things go that I needed to. Not all things we let go are bad things. Sometimes you just come to a point in your life when you realize you are a sum total of all of your choices. Sometimes, your crap is you. Sometimes, you are the reason you are hurting. Self Sabotage, that was one I wrote in the sand. I am not doing that anymore. When good things come to me, I am going to accept them because I deserve them. Not push them away in fear. The Gulf Shores AL coastline now has a lot more crap in it, because I wrote a lot of things in that sand today. So when I journey home tomorrow, that is right where it will stay.

There is a new normal for me. My family dynamics have changed, my social circle has changed, and my quality of life has changed. Parts of that are sad, parts of it are amazing. But when you put them all together, its pretty damn perfect. I have new goals, new plans, and new hopes for MY future. Not my children's, MINE. But it has to start with me...and protecting my little tribe from poison and evil.
So I will do that , and look forward to everyday I get with it.

Now, if you don't mind, I have a new tattoo to get!!!

Thanks for reading

Who's in your tribe?

You ever heard the saying, "Simple Life"? Well life isn't so simple. Sometimes you have to draw a circle and put all the things you love inside that circle. The people, things, places, things, etc that make your life happy, go here, in that circle. You have to protect that circle though. Don't just let new things come in without earning their place first. And sometimes, the things you have had in that circle don't make you happy anymore, so you have to get rid of them, so you can make room for more. You can't make the circle any bigger, because the circle is your life. You only have one. Stake your claim on what you want. The memories, the places, the things and the people. I think I mentioned that earlier. Sometimes you will let things that have hurt you seep into your circle. they take up too much space. They steal your happy. Your happy just walks away and then you wonder why your circle is so empty. You allowed people who didn't earn a spot into your circle, and they filled it with their venom and suffocated the happy out. Remember here, YOU get to decide who and what gets in your circle!! You are the captain here. You pick your tribe. Be picky.

And you know what?? You can re-draw your circle and fill it with good things. Good people.  Good places. Good memories. Sometimes, your tribe needs to be downsized. If something or someone isn't authentic, then banish it out! like, for instance....have you ever met someone who just puts on a show for life? Say maybe they show up to events and make sure they snap the picture, and tell the world, "hey, look at me! I am so awesome , and so involved in this persons life!" but in private, they have no clue what it is like to really know that person. They don't know what their favorite color is, or if they had a bad day. or if they need a friend. They don't know because they are not really in their life.  They just show up for things a few times a year and call themselves a friend, or family. We all have people like that in our lives. Glory seekers. Get them out of your tribe. You know who deserves to be in your tribe??? The people who would drive or fly across country if they new you were in trouble and scared. Even if it costs them their entire bank account to get there. The people that deserve to be in your tribe are the ones that ask you how you are and you say, its a drive off the cliff kind of day, and they are there in two minutes with a bottle of wine, or vodka...hey, tomato, tomatoe.  The people that deserve tribehood are the ones that wont call you names or degrade you if you make a bad choice in life. Pick those people. because I am here to tell you this....the bad tribe members will run the good tribe members right out of your happy little circle!!! And then you have to draw another damn circle and then by this time your hand will be cramped from drawing so many circles that you will start making poor tribe choices again, and then you will just self implode. Don't do that.....just make good tribe choices.

I have recently seen who my true tribe members are. Thick and thin, they have stuck by me through all of my good , bad, and ugly. And the ugly was like the ugliest ugly, ever. But your true tribe members know your core. They see through your bullshit. They know your potential. And because they know all of these things....they don't give up on you, also they know that you are their tribe member also...it goes both ways. You don't give up on them, they may remember a time when they needed you, maybe they lost a loved one...and you devoted your time to them and didn't try to fix the situation, but you were just there. To hand them tissues, and hugs. And to pick out a funeral outfit for you, because you cant think. You are their tribe member, and they need you, too.

This weekend I was blessed with a rare opportunity....I was with MOST of my tribe members all in one place. it fed my soul. it reminded me to feed my tribe members souls as well. It also reminded me that I have lost some tribe members.....and that is ok. The circle was getting crowded with negative. It was needed. Also remember this, you may be a negative in someone else's circle......and there will come a time when they decide to draw a new circle without you in it. So be prepared for that, because sometimes......it really sucks.


Thanks for reading

How low can you go???

No, we are not playing limbo. This blog is a result of a crappy mood and too much social media for a Friday night. Here is what I have noticed while I am eating my grilled hamburger alone on Friday night feeling really crappy about that, but that's another blog. Back to the item at hand......you know what I am sick of seeing on Facebook?

"Looking for someone to___________for really cheap, I want the best job done but I don't want to pay anything."

"looking for someone to mow my 50 acre yard that hasn't been cut yet this year and has metal junk laying all around, for about $20, cuz I don't wanna pay an arm and a leg for someone else to do what I can do"

"Who works on computers for cheap?"

"best and cheapest place to have a cake made?"

"Where can I rent a ____for next to nothing?"

DEAR LORD what has Wal-Mart done to this country???? Have we really dumbed ourselves down SO much that we cant even understand that the word BEST and CHEAP are not usually found in the same place??? You want the best eh? Then you are not going to get cheap bro! Has big box America come in and blinded us with the .99 store and everyday low prices SO MUCH that we forget that there are actually people out there in the country who work and deserve to be paid for it??

Now, before you go and say, what is wrong with getting the best deal, or a fair price?? I get it. I am the QUEEN of getting a bargain. But I also know that I usually get those things on material items, not service. That is one area I don't want a coupon!! Work on my car?? You better be good, I am willing to pay. Make my computer better without messing it up? Here ya go, take the money.

Your first born is getting married and you want the perfect cake? But only want to pay $50 to serve 200?? GO TO WALMART.

You want your yard to look like a golf green? Write a check. Because it takes someone with skill, and talent to make it look like that. Never trust a guy that can fix your plumbing, update your laptop, wire a new outlet...and bake you a cake. And if you find him...PAY him well.

All I am saying is I am sick of seeing all of these I want this for nothing posts. Good work and talent is worth paying for. Don't sell yourself short if you have a service or good to offer. Let some other dingledorf do the work for half of the pay. I am not bashing walmart, I am just saying I feel like we Americans have just gotten so used to the culture of recession and going broke, or spending more than you make.... that everyone forgets that you are keeping good people in business.

Now, if you will excuse me....my mower needs worked on and I need to find the cheapest fella to fix it.....

To my daughter on gradutation day....dont be a bitch

18 years ago, I was just a young girl who brought a beautiful child into this world. The circumstances were not ideal of most new moms. I was 17. I was pretty mature for my age. I wasn't like most high school kids...I didn't succeed in getting good grades, or awards for being a great athlete. I just stayed under the radar and couldn't wait to get out of that place. I didn't know many high school kids I went to school with, we moved in junior high so I didn't form many bonds. Made it a little tough to form friendships with women later in life...and that is why this blog is happening right now. As I drink my coffee and think about watching Kaitlyn receive her diploma....I cant help but to see myself. And I just want to SO  BADLY tell her ALL of things I know NOW, that I didn't have a clue about then. Life lessons, how to treat people, how people are supposed to treat you. I have a great mom, don't get me wrong....but I missed out on a lot of these lessons in life on how to live a good decent life. My dad died when I was 3, and I have never had any type of father figure in my life. I always thought that made me a stronger person, but actually, it made me miss out on how a daddy teaches his daughter to let boys and men treat her....which in turn caused me to go out into this world and make a whole bunch of mistakes. But you know what is good about mistakes??? They teach you lessons, and lessons make you wiser, and with wisdom come peace. Which is where I am sitting at today. PEACE.

SO , this is some advice I am offering up to my daughter....who is pretty much in the same place at 18 as I was.....

Learn to get to know yourself. Listen, you are going to be looking in the mirror at yourself the rest of your life. You need to find out who you are, what you like, what you don't. What makes you happy, what doesn't. Always treat yourself with kindness, because if you cant stand the sight of you, trust me...anyone who you  bring into your life will not be able to either. DONT BE A BITCH

Always learn new things...you are 18. There is no way to know what your passion in life is, it can change overnight. Keep trying new things and don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. That is always where you will learn who you really are. Test your limits. Always believe in you, even when others say you cant do it. Put whatever you want in life out to the universe and I promise it will come to you....in many different shapes and forms. DONT BE A BITCH

Pay attention to nature. It tells the story of life. Watch the trees bud and bloom in the spring, smell the fragrance on the flowers when you walk by. take pictures. Don't forget how pretty they were when they loose drop their flowers. Notice the leaves change color. And in the winter when everything is dead, remember that in the spring, the rebirth will come. This is exactly how life works. Not everything will always be pretty, and sometimes life will be cold and dreary....but the pretty WILL come again .DONT BE A BITCH

Treat people awesome, even if they don't deserve this. You CAN control your reactions to others. It is not easy, but I PROMISE you this, you will be a better woman, mother, wife and friend if you always practice kindness. Don't judge other people...life is the toughest test you will ever take. If you thought school was hard, you are in for a huge disappointment with life. People will hurt you, use you, talk about you....and you can only control your reaction to it. DONT BE A BITCH

Always dress for the job you want. You are not going to make it to the top overnight. If you are not doing exactly what you want, visualize yourself doing the thing that you want...and dress for that job...aim high....stay humble.... And never be afraid to ask for what you want. DONT BE A BITCH

Be a good woman. Don't let men treat you poorly, and don't treat them poorly. Half of the men that cheat on their wives do it because their wife is a bitch. Withholds affection, resents them, and treats them poorly. Then the wife bitches because her man is a cheater. There is a proper way to care and feed your partner. CHOSE WISELY, and TREAT KINDLY.(thank you Dr Laura)  DONT BE A BITCH

Never call your partner names, never talk poorly about them to friends or family. If you are mad, walk away and do not talk about it until you are calmed down. Don't make a permanent decision when you are temporarily mad. Don't  lie. Tell the truth even if it effing sucks. Don't find yourself years later paying for it, because I promise you , you will. If you always look for the reasons to stay, you will never find a reason to leave. Don't walk away when things get tough. You will regret it. DONT BE A BITCH

Be a good mom. Don't be a best friend. You are so young. It will seem like fun to be cool and hip and give your kids everything. Teach them to earn it. Show them what love is by the way they see you treat your partner. Always be there, but always be firm. Mold them to become good people. Show them how to volunteer for the needy, tell them that they are not always going to win a game...there are winners and there are losers...don't give them a trophy for just showing up. Teach them to love themselves. Never take away their spirit of dreams and wishes. Always tell them you love them, even when they make you want to drink a bottle of vodka straight. Most of all, be a good role model...show them by the way you live your life, that they are loved and treat people with love. They will grow up seeing that and use it in their life. DONT BE A BITCH

I can say all of these things to you because I have made everyone of these mistakes at some point in my life. And where I am today, is a direct result of that. I have earned the right to be wise, because I have been very dumb at times. I have been prideful, and thought I knew it all. I used to be a bitch. I have come to realize three basic things that you need in order to get through this life:
A wishbone
A backbone
A funnybone
(that was taken from Dolly Parton)

well, and there is coffee and wine..but that will come later, I hope.

I love you my darling daughter, and please don't make the same mistakes I did, please use this as a guide to get you through your beautiful life and come out better in the end. And please, don't be a bitch.

Congratulations on become an adult, and don't ask me for anymore money
Love,
MOM

Get the damn Magnolia....

Spring always always makes me appreciate life, even more than usual. This past winter was SO awful that the fact that the trees are budding and the plants are starting to bloom just makes me want to skip down the street like a little kid!! We are all busy, running around, being moms, dads, taxi drivers, private chefs, therapists, and bankers. SO I have a request for anyone reading this.....Pay attention to the changes that nature is giving us, beautiful ones! Go to Washington Park and look at the Magnolia blooming. Pay attention to the Forsythia and red bud trees that are blooming along route 50 to Vincennes. These things don't last very long, but to stop and appreciate their beauty will give you a feeling that I promise you will last a lifetime. Maybe they will make you think of someone, a time or place....a better time, a better place. Maybe not.
So much beauty in Spring, the grass is green, the Tulips are proud to be above ground and showing off their bold colors. The lilacs are putting on the best fragrance you will ever smell, so notice these things when you walk by. It is like God is saying, never forget we all have our time to shine....so appreciate the shine while it is here, because the tulips will dieback until next year, and the lilac will loose its fragrance, and just become a green bush the rest of the summer....but don't treat it like a red-headed step child, look at it and know it is beautiful in its prime. Just like you. We all have our prime...our time to shine. When you look back on your life, there are going to be years that you felt like a beautiful Magnolia in bloom. Maybe those years were your spring. Maybe the time you live in now, is a cold hard winter. that is OK, remember the spring, remember the fragrance. You will bloom again. Don't push it, let nature do the work. Just feed and nurture yourself so you can absorb the nutrients you need to expend those buds into beautiful blooms. Because it wont last forever, your flowers will drop, and people that walk by you in the park wont notice your fragrance, you will just be another shrub, or tree, or green thing. But if they paid attention to your flowers, they will remember that you have a time to shine, and you will again.

So, while we all prepare our landscapes and gardens this spring, plant things that make you happy! Don't worry about how long it will bloom, how fast it will grow, if it makes you happy, GET THE DAMN MAGNOLIA.

Dinner with strangers and Hoarding our memories....

Insomnia, it's the new thing for me. Even with working out 7 days a week, I find it difficult to fall asleep at night. Waking up is even harder. And when I do fall into a good, deep sleep, I have these dreams that are insane and wacky and exhausting. Ugh. So since I am currently not sleeping, I thought I would do what I enjoy doing, write.

The first word that comes to my head is CHOICES. I am aware that I have posted a lot about choices on social media. But that word is so powerful, and has so many meanings. We make so many choices every single day. We don't even realize the choices we make. How many times do you ask yourself if the choice you are about to make will affect you in a negative or positive way? If you did, do you still think you would make the same choice?

I have to make a lot of choices, in work, in parenting, in relationships. A few weeks ago, while I was traveling for work, I was eating alone, like I always do. I noticed an older gentleman across the aisle from me that kept looking over at my table. The kind of look that makes you uncomfortable because you have clearly made eye contact with the person several times and you wonder why they are staring at you, do you have sauce on your shirt? Anyway, he finally spoke to me. He asked me if I was eating all alone.(He was also alone). I told him I was, and he said, I know this sounds crazy, but would you like to join me for dinner? At first thought, I was like, noooo way, this creep is trying to pick me up and that is NOT happening, But then I paused for a minute....my brain said, JUST DO IT AMBER. You are in a busy public place and you just have to eat dinner with him. In five seconds I accepted his offer and had already planned my escape if he shoved me in a trunk after I left.
So I go to his table and he tells me that he travels all of the time and notices that a lot of people dine alone, and he has started asking strangers to join him. I was number 5 to accept. Turns out, Todd from Detroit was a great guy, had grandchildren, recently celebrated 35 yrs of marriage. He works for the automotive industry and is always on the road. My dinner with strange man Todd was very nice. I was hesitant to tell him too much about my life because I have watched Criminal Minds enough to  know that pretty girls who meet with strange men don't go home alive. I survived dinner, and left before he did, never to hear from him again. that was a huge step out of my comfort zone, and you know what, It liberated me. I felt a human connection to the world, we are not all serial killers. I have become so jaded on the road that I hardly make eye contact with anyone. Todd taught me to take a chance. Be bold, be brave. Thanks Todd from Detroit.

Speaking of brave, I have had to be very brave recently. Some choices that I, and others in my life have made, have not worked out the way I had hoped. I could have sucked it up and become that girl , but I decided to get uncomfortable and be brave. I decided to let the world know that I am worth something. Sometimes you may make a choice that you don't realize at the time will come to haunt you. And when people you care about keep making the SAME BAD CHOICE over and over and over and over again, sometimes, you have got to be the one who makes a choice. So I gave myself a new name of BABBB. Bad Ass Brave Blond Bitch. That's me, just swimming along.

Now to the hoarding issue. I was watching that show during an insomniac night and decided that I am a hoarder of memories. Good and bad. I have hoarded memories all of my life. I keep them piled up in my head , like the cat lady who saves every can of cat food she ever fed Fluffy. Like the woman who won't throw away her 20 year collection of canned vegetables because what if there is a national crisis and we need them??? My memories are canned vegetables. I go over them again and again, and instead of enjoying them, and letting them go so I can make room for more, I just toss them in a room and let them pile up until there isn't any room left and then my brain is consumed by all of these emotions of good and bad memories and then I get anxious and I don't understand why I cant breathe.
Do you hoard memories? Or do you embrace the memory, enjoy what it gave you, and move on from it? I mean, we all go to our memory bank and pull out the stuff we want to keep. but not all of those things are healthy. I have memories of names that I have been called in my life that I think about every single day, yet I have somehow allowed my memory to nearly forget some of the most beautiful moments in my life. UGH!! I want the good stuff!! So I have decided that I am going to unload all the crap memories into a dumpster and haul it off. I guess my point is, let the bad memories teach you a lesson, take from it what you need, and then throw it away!! And the good? Put those up on a shelf, embrace the beauty it gave you, and don't forget to update your shelf from time to time with more good stuff. Don't just hoard it all so that it becomes a mumbled jumbled mess of paper and trash and clothes and cat poop.

Choices.....we all make them. Mistakes are different, after we make a mistake, if we do it again, it is now a choice. The choice, is yours......go ahead, eat dinner with a stranger!

Today I woke up grateful. Grateful for people, places and things. Yes, things. My head has been fighting the word gratitude for a few days now. How can we find good in everything that happens to us? I mean really, you spill your protein shake all down your white jacket and you are not supposed to get pissed off? I am supposed to find a lesson in there somewhere??? I have lived my life by the Law of the Universe for several years now, and I can tell you it changed me, and everyone who loves me. But I can also tell you some days I want to sucker punch that damn universe.

Anyway, back to the grateful part. I woke up today feeling overwhelmed by gratitude. I am so very thankful for the people who are in my life that truly love me and see my value and know my worth. That doesn’t mean they think I am perfect, but they know I am perfectly flawed. I am thankful for the people that used me, lied to me, stole from me, and disrespected me. The strangers who cough on me in stores, the girls in high school who called me hambone, and turkey leg. I am grateful for all the sucky stuff that happened to me growing up. I am thankful to anyone who ever told me I couldn’t do something. Now for the places. Places help us grow and learn, some places help us step out of our comfort zone and feel uncomfortable. Jillian Michaels says you have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. She is right. I am going on a duck hunt with one of my clients in a few weeks, I’ve never done that and I am really uncomfortable about it, but I know it will help me grow. Then I have to do some crazy fast indoor go kart racing with another customer, I don’t like to go fast anymore, but I am going to allow the experience to happen. Places are great. Sometimes home is the best place. I have recently been spending time in a place I love to call home. The comfort of the paint colors, the smell of the furniture, the creaking sounds the hardwood floors make. Man I am grateful for that place. And then there are things,  they say not to idol things, and I don’t, but I sure am grateful for my Wonder Woman mug that convinces me I have a lasso of truth and invisible jet waiting for me in the drive. I am grateful for comfy bed, my white leather jacket that makes me believe I am a rock star even if I only wear it to Walmart or the local Elks club. Rock stars have Walmart lists too.

Now back to the my head has been struggling to find good in everything part. Is there good in death? Is there good animal cruelty? Recent events have had me on the fence about turning negatives into positives. Sometimes life just plain stinks like egg salad farts. That’s right, I said egg salad farts. How am I grateful for those?? Well, I happen to like egg salad. So guess the end result is something I just accept. Part of the Law of attraction (and in my opinion it’s just plain common sense) is that you get what you send out. Good gets good, bad gets bad. But what happens when you send out all this good, and other people are sending out all of this bad?? I think I have figured it out. They meet in the cosmic atmosphere and do a little bare knuckle boxing, then the bad someone else sent out accidently falls into the sky and lands in your lap. Then you have to deal with it. Ok, this is where the old lemon thing comes in handy. You have sent out all this good and lived your life as if it was already happening then all of the sudden you have a bowl of lemons and no vodka to make Vodkade. What do you do?????

You just breathe. Realize you are going to be ok, and don’t let the fact that your lemonade is alcohol free keep you from drinking it. Roll with it, accept it. When you don’t get want you want, accept it for what it is. Don’t try to change it, don’t try to change people to be who you need them to be. Accept them at their word. Let bad things happen to you. Yes, say thank you. Because maybe, just maybe, in order to get where you need to be, you have to struggle first. You have to dig the hole to get the water. You have to do some hard work to win the prize. Things that happen to us, DO happen for a reason. And anyone who has ever lost a loved one will cuss me right now, but it is true. There are lessons in everything. Maybe you were a bad person in your past, and you lost yourself, and others that cared for you because you sucked at life. You can blame then for leaving you, or you can find the lesson to be learned there. To do better. Be better. And then go out and do it. And those people who matter, they will see it, and they will know what you have done. Those are the people we are thankful for. The ones who taught us how to treat them.

I really think that being grateful for all that happens takes one key element that most of us can’t seem to find. Acceptance. Accept that it is what it is. Accept that your bank account is low, and be grateful you have one. Accept that your legs are chubby and meaty and not ballerina legs, and be grateful that you have them. Accept that you didn’t have a father figure in your life to help mold your character, and be grateful that you still have character. Accept that not everyone will like you, or see the truth in you, and be grateful for the ones that do. ACCPETANCE. Let it be what it is. Don’t try to change it, twist it or fanaticize  that it will be different. Just accept it.

Ok maybe there is another element. Choice. We are all control freaks right?? So we want things to always go our way. Well consider the choices you make to get there. You choose to do things that can jeopardize your happiness. If you say you want one thing, then make the CHOICE to do another, then don’t bitch and moan when you don’t have what you want. Life is choices. We are tempted to make bad choices all of the time. If you are trying to eat healthy but you keep ordering fried pickles every time you go out to eat, then for heaven’s sake don’t feel sorry for yourself when your Silvers don’t zip up, ACCEPT that you made that CHOICE.  See how that works??

 

Life is really short. People are really stubborn. Choices are everywhere. Make good ones. Accept the bad ones, and don’t fall victim to your bad choices. Sometimes people in your life will never stop reminding you of your bad choices. Don’t get in the boat with them. It will sink, fast. CHOOSE to be happy. Spend your life with who you love. Don’t wait around for apologies you will never get, ACCEPT that. Be thankful for ALL that happens to you.

Love without fear

Live without fences

Laugh with your mouth wide open

Forgive without resentment

Eat egg salad

Say what you mean

Don’t lie to make someone feel better

Accept your choices, good and bad

Choose wisely

Treat kindly

Drink Vodkade